Self Deception
by Azfixiation
Summary: ShizNat. Oneshot. Shizuru is having a pity party, and Natsuki is tired of watching her suffer.


A/N - Ooooook so this is probably my last ShizNat one shot. At least for a while. I know you can only handle so many at a time but things just keep popping into my head. But I figure I'll stop while I'm ahead. Maybe one day I'll be able to write you a real story, but until then, I have big love for all of you who do write those amazing original stories. Thanks to everyone for your great support.

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**Self Deception**

By: Azfixiation

_Ara, nothing good on tv again. Perhaps Suzushiro-san is right. _

I glance back at the answering machine again, the red light still blinking. If only she knew how much effort it took to listen through her messages. The obnoxiousness of them was overwhelming, however good intentioned they are. A bitter scoff pours past my lips as I turn back to gaze out the window.

Why should it matter if I choose to spend my time at home? I'm no longer Kaicho. Natsuki no longer wants me around. There is nothing left for me outside. I'll just sit here inside my glass house, while they stand on the outside, judging something they could never comprehend.

It's not specifically that I'm depressed beyond comprehension as they all believe. Oh, for a while I was. There's no sense in even trying to deny that. But somehow, over the last few weeks that all-encompassing sadness has turned into a horrible bitterness. I did horrible things to you, Natsuki. But is it so hard to see me trying? Giving my everything, only to be by your side?

My fingers fumble over the numbers on the phone, tapping out Natsuki's number despite the fact that there is not enough force for them to actually be dialing. I can no longer tell if I hate myself, or her more. Is this the natural pain of rejection? Why is it that everyone can go on living except for me?

The sudden sound of my phone ringing causes me to jump slightly, pulilng me out of my dark thoughts. I can't help the angry laugh that comes out as I see that it is Natsuki's number. It's as if she knew in this moment I was thinking about her, and she could not resist the urge to torment me further. Karma, perhaps?

"Good evening, Natsuki," I answer curtly.

"Shizuru, hey…" her voice is quiet and for a moment I forget my own pain as I long to reach out to her.

"Is Natsuki ok?" I ask. God Shizuru, how pathetic can you be? Contemplating how you hate her one moment, and in a second going to wanting to take care of her.

"I am," she reassures after a moment of silence. "I just was worried about you, I guess."

"How sweet of Natsuki to take time out of her busy schedule to finally call me," I say, unable to stop the evident sarcasm. _Forgive me Natsuki. This is the only way I know to push you into showing that you still care. _

"It's not like that Shizuru! I've just got school and work and I'm trying to actually pass this time, you know? Please Shizuru," she starts, but I manage to somehow cut her off.

"Ara, I'm sorry to be such a burden on you Natsuki. Please do not worry." I'm only bipolar it seems, I think to myself with a self defeating sigh.

"Shizuru, open your door." I can hear the smile in her voice, but for some reason it causes me to stop dead in my tracks. I'm not dressed for this. I haven't cleaned in God knows how long. "Shizuru?"

"Sorry Natsuki, I'm just so surprised. I will be right there."

I hang up quickly, unsure of where to start. Do I get the racing in my heart under control first, or maybe my hair? Yes, I must look presentable for my Natsuki. Once I feel that I am at least slightly better off than I was before I walk to the front door to greet my tormenter.

My breath catches in my throat as I see her standing there in her leathers, a nervous smile on her face. Before I can speak I feel strong arms enveloping me. "Stop being so angry at me Shizuru. I told you that I accept you. Please do not let your life fall apart simply because I am busy. Do you not know that I'm only working so hard so I can join you in college as soon as possible?"

She pulls away after a moment and looks into my eyes. She knows that I am too stunned to even begin to apply my mask. It's so much easier to find a reason to be angry, than to love her so desperately like I do in these moments. "Did Natsuki only come to yell at me?" I ask, meeting her eyes finally. "I think it's not very nice."

"Damn it Shizuru, I'm not yelling. Stop being so damn stubborn for five minutes so that I can tell you how much I care about you."

Before my mind can comprehend what is happening, her lips are pressed firmly against mine. Instinctively my arms wrap around her neck, pulilng her closer to me. I have no idea what she is thinking, or why she is doing this to me but I'm not about to let a chance like this pass me by. I push my body into hers and I feel her strong arms holding me up as my knees threaten to give out on me. "Shizuru, inside," she breathes out as she pulls apart from me.

After a moment I regain my composure, and she takes my hand in hers and pulls me into the house. We walk in silence to the living room before she tugs me down onto the couch next to her. "Why are you here, Natsuki? If you are only here to tease me, it's most unkind."

"I don't remember you having such little faith in me, Shizuru." Her hand reaches up to stroke my cheek, and the gentle movement finally breaks me. The tears I've held in check with anger finally fall and she pulls me into her arms once more.

"I have so little faith in myself, not you," I choke out as I bury my face in her neck. "I truly live only for you Natsuki, and I am so afraid of that. I thought if I could be angry I could hide my love but I couldn't even pull that off properly."

"I wasn't abandoning you. I… I wanted to be someone worthy of such a great love. But Suzushiro-san and everyone else was so worried about you. Everytime they told me how you wuoldn't leave the house, it broke my heart to know I was hurting you so badly. I'm sorry Shizuru. Please don't be sad anymore. I'm here to stay now."

My lips brush against her neck, testing to see if her words are true and I feel her body tremble against mine. Ara, my Natsuki really has come to care for me. And here I was spending the last month moping while she worked so hard for me. The shame hit me like a ton of bricks and I quickly retreated from her, casting my eyes to the floor. "I'm the one who is undeserving."

"Stop it Shizuru," she says with such force it almost frightens me. "Just shut up and let me love you."

_Love…me? Could it possibly be true?_

The second she pulls me to her and I feel her fingers tangle in my hair I know it is. This is her truly loving me the way I have always dreamed. This is her accepting me at my worst, and still wanting me and only me. "Natsuki, I love you so much" I whisper in her ear before pulling her down on top of me as I lay back on the couch.

Her lips silence me with another kiss, this one much more sweet than the first. I hold her body tightly against mine, wanting… needing to feel as much of her as I can possibly have. Despite the sweetness of the moment, I can't help myself from sliding my leg between hers and pushing slightly against her. "Shizuru!," Natsuki pulls her mouth away from mine as her cheeks turn red from such sudden intimate contact.

"Ara, forgive me Natsuki," I giggle as I pull her back down so that her head is resting on my chest. "I have so dearly missed that adorable blush, I could not help myself."

"Yeah well, I guess I have to get used to it."

"And why is that?" I ask as my fingers run through her hair. She snuggles further into me, and lets out a contented sigh.

"Because I will never leave you like that again."


End file.
